The Thrills of a New World:

I often lay awake at night thinking of how I can better myself as a person.

I spend hours tossing and turning, musing over how I may provide more and do more for others... Not just in a sensual sense, but the entirety of my brand and what it means to be me.

I know that each of us are merely products of our experiences and over time, these events led us to our present selves, to our present circumstances. But we are also given a predestined fate as well.

I did not choose to be born in Johannesburg, South Africa, this was water fate and my forefathers choices in life led to my set circumstance.

The same way I did not choose my hair colour or my eye colour, the same way I did not choose to be uncomfortable in the body I was born in. I did not choose to be born with gender dysphoria or with a sex I don't identify with.

Outside of my sensual services, if you don't find me with tea in hand and putting pen to paper, you can find me in deep meditation or singing. I offer a number of other treatments and services that require me to continuously "take myself outside of myself."

Today, my "vanilla" client, meaning non-sensual client, booked a meditation and a massage, which took the course of 3 hours. It absolutely depleted me, because energetically I constantly feel so much of the world around me, let alone the world I carry within.

My client's words were, "It's amazing how our gifts are also always our curse." She had been referring to my body dysphoria, "you can definitely feel the gift in your hands."

My compassion, my empathy, my love, my well of understanding, my nature and my essence is a gift. But to feel such incredulous amounts of anything, can definitely take it's toll.

Yes, the purple world may contribute to my livelihood, but just like any punter on here, I too have found solace in this world.

Raphael is an extension of me and very much part of my identity. I get to be the man I was always too ashamed to be, because would I be considered "man enough" if I allowed myself to feel Pleasure? Would society see me the way that I see myself, if I expressed myself or articulated my needs and desires? Would I be able to accept and love myself?

In the end, I am the only constant in my life and I think I can live with putting me first for once in my life.

Thank you to the Purple World for holding space for me, for seeing me, for respecting me, for allowing me to show up and not attacking me <3 I have done and given myself so freely most of my life.

I think asking people to pay for my time is my right, I no longer easily accessible to everyone.

I may still wear my heart on my sleeve and I may still show up, the way that I wanted the world to show up for me. But I no longer allow everyone to have a piece of me.

I am an open book and I pride myself in that. I spent my entire life trying to blend in and hide in the shadows.

But I now show up for me.

I was always a monogamist. I thought very much in black and white. I was incredibly stubborn and never wrong. I always "did the right thing" and "could never ever do that."

Everything I had ever judged, the universe dragged me through it ten fold and I perfected.

I am grateful for these life experiences and that it molded me into this person today. That I can say that I am nowhere near having it right, I have no clue what I am doing, I am not perfect. But today I love myself and I get to enjoy life. I get to enjoy play.

Being cursed is a choice.

I have hardened myself up so much to the outside world. I have people finally showing up, people finally giving me the love, the friendship, the connection, the time, the effort and the energy I always gave out yet never received in return. People are showing me what I always craved and wanted.

Yet, as open as I am, I am also so closed off and the truth is, this meditation was not heavy because I was told that I am cursed.

It was heavy because I was reminded that I AM LOVE.

My roots. My nature. My Divine Essence and Blueprint of my life and of my destiny is to always show up as my true self. My true nature.

I AM LOVE.

Goodnight

xxx
Raphael

Part 2...

I have been meeting all of these wonderful people as of late.
People I would have dreamed of before I began exploring this other world. The world of sensuality, of sexuality, of liberation,of hedonism, of pleasure...

Monogamist me fell into monogamy because of the obvious reason, it being social construct. But I also genuinely believed that the world I came from was conservative. I thought that I had been raised quite conservatively and that I was supposed to be "good." I held these very high and unrealistic standards. But the truth is, nothing about my life was conventional or "conservative."

One of my very first memories was of my mother completely losing the plot. She had found out that she had been diagnosed with cancer, shortly after my dad passed on and she literally lost the plot. She was adamant that she would take herself out and that was that. She went hysterical with her 9mm revolver and there was absolutely no force on earth that could stop her, except me.

I don't blame her for being exhausted.

But my story is not about my mother. That was her story and I honour her legacy in love and light.

I am here to write my own story.

Things that cause insufferable damage, we deem "okay" and "normal" because that's the only normal we have ever known.

Society deems this world abnormal. But I disagree. I have seen humanity in the purple pages, kindness, warmth, unity, compassion, intelligence, emotional intelligence, understanding, humility, dignity, respect.

I may have worn rose tinted glasses most of my life. But I feel that I have seen enough of the dark and if I choose to rather embrace the light, than that is my right.

This world, is the only world, I felt accepted in 28 years. It had been the only world that I felt truly at home. It had been the only world where I had found healing and self acceptance.

Through the most sacred medicine of all, which is sexuality.

Our sex centre carries every driving factor and everything that could possibly debilitate us.

Tantra teaches us that there is no duality. Everything that we feel and that we carry, is just another form.

So for example, my mother got incredibly manic and was insanely angry when she found out that she was ill. Why?
Anger is synonymous with fear. So she was fearful of not being in control. Her child just lost his dad at the tender age of 4. So who was going to look after me and fend for my brother and myself?

It was also the fear of not being in control. The realization that we are mostly powerless, no matter how much power we think we may have, certain things are simply out of our hands.

Tantra teaches us to go through and embrace each moment or feeling... fully but with awareness.

So when I feel triggered,I do a simple SCARF analysis and try identify what I am really feeling.

I will go into depth one on one if you choose or wish to find out more about identifying triggers, understanding our feelings and feeling our feelings - which most of us surprisingly don't do.

Nonetheless...

This world seems to have enveloped me into a little cocoon and it seems to have given me the embrace I had always yearned for.

However, I now find, that everything I had yearned for outside of this world is now manifest.

So many different people...

I actually have friends. Inside this world and outside. People who want to spend time with me. People who show up. They genuinely see me, they encourage me, they believe in me, they don't see hurt... they don't see a victim, they don't see someone easy to bully. They see someone who started seeing themselves. Someone who chose self love over company. Someone chose to fight everyday, no matter how hard.

I have started attracting so many varied flavors of people, sexually and romantically. Who respect my boundaries and the more transparent I have been about the fact that I am in a self-full stage of my life and that I would not be interested in being a potential love interest or someone to pursue, the more open minded and understanding these people are.

I have attracted the exact partners I have always yearned for and now I am totally content with my lifestyle, my non-monogamy, my livelihood, who I am and where I am going

I have had these people show me so much support, to the extent that, they have now decided to book me.

My friends think that the work that I am doing is incredible and that I am helping make the world a better place. When my entire life I was taught to believe that I am a burden, I will never be good enough, or I am too much, no one else loves me or will love me, me getting abused physically was a form of "love."

So yes, I am over sharing, because my story may help someone who never ever shared and even if you don't. You don't have to, but there is always a safe space with me.

There is always a free hug and an ear available.

I am love. You are love.

You are so loved and you are worth love. You are worth respect. You are worth being heard. You are worth being held. You are worth being seen and I may not have much, but I can certainly offer you that.

My Connection to Myself is My Connection to Everyone else <3