What do lawyers use for birth control ?
Their personalities..!

Why is divorce so expensive ?
Because it's worth it!

What do you call a smart blonde ?
A golden retriever !

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs !

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes !

What's the fastest way to a man's heart ?
Through his chest with a sharp knife !

Why do men want to marry virgins ?
They can't stand criticism !

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking ?
Because those men already have boyfriends !

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog ?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you !

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying ?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving !

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in Grade 6. Who has the biggest boobs ?
The blonde, because she's 18..... !


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant ?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
Breasts don't have eyes !

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment !

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe !

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, "BINGO"!

I was at a wedding the other day. It was so emotional even the cake was in tiers...

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Women will never be equal with men untill they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why did God invent men? Because a vibrator cant mow the lawn.

The wife's back on
the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did
was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


I've accidentally
swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My
sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should
have taken them off.


I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge
last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


After both
suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit
suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to
feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"


I woke up
this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and
found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I
didn't k now what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until
11:30.


Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to
the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris
wheel.


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept
with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all
night!"


My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door,
she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I
replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


A Catholic boy in confession
says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my
sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two
gorgeous brothers."


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal
immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own
doctor.


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes
the wife look like she's moving during sex.